If the phrase "why men love bitches" rings a bell, credit Sherry Argov, whose book of that name has been sitting on bestseller lists since 2002. And before anyone bristles: her "bitch" isn't a cruel woman. It's her shorthand for a woman who is confident, self-possessed and completely uninterested in begging for anyone's attention. Warm, but nobody's doormat. The book struck a nerve twenty years ago and it still does, because underneath the cheeky title sits something most men recognise instantly and most dating advice tiptoes around.
It has nothing to do with being unkind
Let's kill the misreading first: no man enjoys being treated badly. Rudeness isn't attractive, games aren't attractive, and the woman who "negs" her way through an evening is exhausting company. What the book is actually pointing at is the difference between a woman who is nice and a woman who is nice at her own expense. The one who cancels her plans the second he calls. Agrees with everything. Asks for nothing. She thinks she's being easy to love. What she's actually doing, slowly and politely, is disappearing.
The confident woman is every bit as warm. She just hasn't vacated herself to make room for someone else's ego.
We watch this play out every week
Here's the thing about running an agency: we get to see attraction operate at close range, hundreds of evenings a year, and the pattern is embarrassingly consistent. The women our clients rebook — ask for by name, plan trips around — are never the most agreeable ones. They're the ones with opinions about the wine. The ones who tease. The ones who are visibly enjoying themselves rather than performing enjoyment. One client put it better than any psychology book we've read: "She acts like she was already having a good night before I arrived."
That's it. That's the whole secret, honestly.
The psychology, briefly
You've felt this yourself, whether or not you've named it: people value what they earn over what lands in their lap. A woman whose time is clearly worth something makes every hour she gives you feel chosen. A woman who is endlessly, instantly available gives your interest nothing to do, and interest with nothing to do goes home early. None of this is manipulation — it's just what self-respect looks like from the outside. She has a life. You are being welcomed into it, not handed the keys.
Watch it happen sometime, at any good restaurant in this city. Two tables. At one, a woman laughing at everything, agreeing with everything, checking his face after every sentence to see how she did. At the other, a woman arguing cheerfully about whether the wine was the right call, in no hurry whatsoever. Look at the men's faces. The first one is comfortable. The second one is interested. Comfort is nice; interest is what gets the second date. Everything in the book, and honestly everything in this article, is just a long footnote to that difference.
What she actually does differently
- Keeps her own world — friends, work, plans that don't move for anyone she's just met.
- Handles bad behaviour with distance, not drama. No shouting. Just less of her.
- Flirts like an equal. Teases. Disagrees when she disagrees, charmingly.
- Takes a compliment with a smile instead of arguing with it.
- Never chases. Welcomes, enjoys, invites — but never chases.
The part the book gets wrong
In fairness, the book isn't gospel. Argov occasionally slides from "have self-respect" into "treat it all like a chess match" — reply slowly on purpose, stay deliberately unavailable, keep score. We've watched women try to play it that way, and it reads exactly like what it is: a performance of confidence by someone who doesn't feel it yet. Men aren't stupid. Manufactured aloofness has a smell. The women it actually works for aren't following the playbook — their time really is full, their opinions really are theirs, and their warmth switches on because they're enjoying you, not because page ninety said to deploy it. You can't fake having a life. You can only go and get one.
And yes, it works in reverse
Before any gentleman reading this feels too comfortable: every word applies to men as well, and women will tell you so with feeling. The man who agrees with everything she says, cancels his plans to hover, and treats her opinion as a verdict on his day is every bit as forgettable as the female version. The men our companions genuinely look forward to seeing again have their own gravity — they hold a conversation, they have somewhere to be tomorrow, they tease back. Confidence is attractive in both directions. It always has been.
The catch
Because there is one. Confidence without warmth is just coldness with good posture, and nobody falls for that twice. The women men actually can't forget hold both at once — spine and softness, boundaries in the afternoon and your undivided attention over dinner, neither one contradicting the other. The doormat gets forgotten. The ice queen gets avoided. The warm, confident one gets remembered for years. That balance is rare, which is precisely why it's memorable.
Where we come in
We'd be lying if we said this article was purely academic. That balance — poised but playful, sure of herself but genuinely lovely to be around — is more or less our hiring policy. Beauty gets a woman an interview here; presence is what gets her on the roster. If you'd like to spend an evening with someone who has both, the gallery is right there, and our team answers quickly and quietly. Fair warning, gentlemen: it does tend to spoil you for ordinary company.